Wednesday, January 9, 2013

That Damned Book

I look up at the moon, and I know she is gone...

I can still feel her hot skin under my fingers, hear the rasping as she struggles for each one of those last breaths.

"My book..." she manages to get out, her whole body straining with the effort it takes to speak. "Please."

I know what she's talking about immediately. The Book - the one that had been around longer than I had. It was always her intention to publish it, but there was always something more she wanted to add.

I realized that book marked the days of my life...and hers. It followed like a lingering shadow, and now it was finished - for her, anyway.

"Yes, I hear you," I say, tears in my eyes as I touch her bare arm. The hospital smell of cleaners covering death so strong in my nose marks the promise. "I will get it published for you."

As I said the words, I realized I hated that book. No, "I love you..." No, "I'll miss you." No, "I'm sorry." All that effort, her last breath all but used up on a final request. That damned book.

A ghost of a smile hints at her lips and she relaxes deeply, knowing the torch has been passed. It was now for me to carry it forward and do what she never could: End It.

That damned book was now my burden to bear, alone.


Erk, this came as a huge surprise. It is a true story...and I hadn't realized how upset (and angry!) I was about the whole thing. I've just been stalling...for years... I still have the book, I haven't even finished reading it let alone published it :P 

It was my intention to do so by March, in time for the April 10 year anniversary of my mother's death...but I've still been stalling.

It's hard, I know how I'm supposed to feel. How I should be acting with such a thing. I dislike that I feel the way I feel...maybe that's why it took me so long to get in touch with it.

I showed my hubby the story - he knows I've been struggling with publishing the book for a really is a mess. He said, "You know, she told you to publish it, not edit it and make it perfect. Just put it out there and let it go."

I'm gonna do that. I really wish I could love it - and maybe one day I will. But not today...not before it's published. Maybe that's what I was trying to do all along...force love. It didn't work.

****ADDENDUM**** I did it :) The book is now published through Kindle. It's here:

This was written for the Trifecta Challenge of the week :)


1: a determination to act in a certain way : resolve
2: import, significance
3a : what one intends to do or bring about
  b : the object for which a prayer, mass, or pious act is offered

Please remember:
  • Your response must be between 33 and 333 words.
  • You must use the 3rd definition of the given word in your post.
  • The word itself needs to be included in your response.
  • You may not use a variation of the word; it needs to be exactly as stated above. 
  • Only one entry per writer.
  • Trifecta is open to everyone!!  Please join us.


  1. Wow!loved this ,Dawn & your "footnote" at the end was an eye opener too!What a vicious cycle life forces us into at times-loved the lines," I realized I hated that book. No, "I love you..." No, "I'll miss you." No, "I'm sorry." All that effort, her last breath all but used up on a final request. That damned book."

    I wish you all the best in your intention to get this book published A.S.A.P. & be able to finally let go of that heavy burden :-)Take care((hugs))

    1. Thank you very much, Atreyee - I'm glad your warm and compassionate heart was able to make it into this dark space and offer comfort. I'm glad I'm able to receive it :)

      I'd judged myself for so long about this that I have to admit I was terrified admitting to it and putting it out there, sure I'd be harshly criticized immediately... Thank you.

  2. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. The sense of loss you conveyed here is very real and very complex.

    1. Thank you for holding the creative space in which this could be explored! I didn't even know it was in me...I'm glad I found out in this way. :)

  3. That must have been so hard to endure! And still it hangs over you. I agree with you husband--get it published. You'll grant your mother's wish, you'll be free of it, and you won't have to think on it with such heartache. (:

    1. Yeah... thanks, Draug - I'm gonna do just that :D

  4. Replies
    1. *thinks about it, then nods* Yeah... for a long time I thought of it as an honor. Honestly, I think that was the hardest part - I was so sad and angry underneath I couldn't move at all.

  5. Wow! That's about all I can say! What a very powerful story. Thank you for sharing it with us. I hope that, in doing so, it has helped you somewhat to deal with the burdens that you are carrying.